Anatomy Lessons

Today, I learned how my legs worked. More specifically, I learned how the muscles that move my legs are connected to my pelvis and where the attachments are that, when combined all together, make my legs move. What I learned, with the gentle guidance of my Pilates instructor, is nothing like the mental map that I had previously held of my body. Now, when I walk, I feel myself moving in a different way. Eventually, I am confident that moving will feel more balanced, more connected. But for now, I am exploring this new body map with a sense of curiosity and wonder.

I wish that there was a coloring book for the anatomy of my daughter's inner world. I long to be able to pull out the volume, slide my finger down the index until I find just the right portion. Processing New Experiences...page 54, Managing Changes in Routine...page 75, Feelings Connected with Daddy's Death...page 3. Such a reference would go a long way to helping me navigate the raising of this child who appears to be wired, in many ways, just like I am and in oh so many other ways in an incomprehensible tangle of converting the commonplace to the extraordinary.

Just when I think I've got something of a handle on what makes her tick, I wake up to a mornling like today where, turning on a dime, she becomes a screaming, flailing entity that I cannot either corral or comfort. Is it something she ate yesterday co-mingling with the remnant of a dream? Or maybe it's the mix of the start of a New Girl Scout year and the start of a new, short-term after school program. Maybe it is the shirt I put on, or the one she chose. Maybe it is the early stage firings of hormones and is only a glimmer of what is yet to come.

I may never completely figure out her internal workings, but this morning I learned something new about my emotional put-togethers, my emotional body map, if you will. It is not that somehow I am faulty, that my least stray negative thought or feeling sends an arrow arching straight for her heart to set her off. Rather, when she does whatever it is she does, what I choose to do next - or choose not to do - is the vibrational barometer for how the interaction plays out. For me, this clears up a whole body's worth of guilt and brow beating. I don't have to be perfect in every moment. Instead, I have a choice. I can hold my head and vibration high and re-direct the barbs flung my way, or I can jump off my perch and get down in the muck with her. What I find, though, is that standing on the dock and reaching a hand out helps her to pull herself up out of the muck of her own making. That is what I hope is positive parenting.

Coming Back

Creeaaak. I peek behind me. My Spirit Guide, Grey Wolf, smiles and nods towards the door. "It's pretty dark in there," I whisper.

"Go on," he says, "I'm right behind you."

Behind him, I can hear the shuffling of feet and then Meg hands me a feather duster. "Use this to clear the cobwebs, keeps them out of your hair," she says and smiles. I swing the blue and green iridescent peacock feathers in a wide arch in front of me and push the door open a bit farther. A cold draft drifts past and I shiver. Wolf lays his hand on my shoulder and nudges me forward.

I feel a hand on my other shoulder and Trish hands me a heavy woolen sweater. "Bundle up, you can do this," she says. The weight feels like a hug as I shrug on the sweater and take a few tentative steps. The feather duster leads my way into the neglected space.

"Here's a broom," MJ says. "It won't take long to clear that floor." With the broom I am able to find the desk and lamp that have been left here. I flick the switch and dust off the table, then the chair. The light leaves the space looking less daunting, and I turn my attention to sweeping the floor, clearing away all the remnants of time that have settled here and there. As promised, Wolf walks behind me, matching my every step.

A sound at the doorway draws my attention. Rubye and Barbara are holding a beautiful gilt tray. "Inspiration tea," Rubye says. "And Chocolate Creation cookies," Barbara adds. "Just a little sustenance for the journey."

Now, the aroma of Inspiration fills the room. I dance the broom into the dim corners, finish off the eaves with the duster. I am warmed by the wool and feel as though a bit of sunlight has been stashed here just for me. The sturdy desk chair is ready and waiting and I sit. A bite of cookie, a sip of tea, and I am ready.

I am not yet sure where this journey will take me, but I am looking forward to the discovery. I hope you will join me.